Book Review: ‘Desires in Conflict’

‘Desires in Conflict: Answering the Struggle for Sexual Identity’, by Joe Dallas (Harvest House Publishers, 1991)

 If there is one book that is the most helpful to get on how homosexuality can be overcome in Christians, it is ‘Desires in Conflict: Answering the Struggle for Sexual Identity’, by Joe Dallas.  For those Christians who have unwanted same-sex attractions (USSA) and wish to have victory over temptation and be faithful to the Lord, there is always an ongoing tension between wanting to serve God, on the one hand, and living with attractions to others of the same sex.  The reason for the tension is fundamental: sexuality is an enormous part of what human beings are, a God-given part of our humanity and cannot be ignored and suppressed.  However the struggle of those with USSA is profoundly tiring and frustrating, even at the best of times because the two desires oppose one another and need to be resolved.  The tension raises all sorts of questions: how can the two desires be reconciled?  Can they, in fact, be reconciled?  What gives?

The most fundamental issue that the book tackles is what exactly homosexuality is at its basic parts.  Dallas recalls a male counselee whom he interviewed, who aptly described the battle within himself (p. 121):

“I thought I wanted sex [with other men].  I still do, I guess, but more than that I want to feel special to somebody.  I want to feel that a man really cares whether I live or die.  I want to know that I have at least one person who’s close to me and really accepts me as I am.  And I want that person to be somebody who’s ‘together’, not just some loser who’ll latch onto anybody.  I want to feel honest-to-God accepted by a man I can look up to.  In fact, I want to be like that man”.

Effectively, this is what USSA is about.  It is a desire to be held together by someone- anyone!- because deep inside those with USSA have been wounded by other men and want to feel as though they are loved and wanted.  Their sense of their God-given masculinity is shattered.  In the past, many have suffered from passive, non-involved fathers; overbearing, mean-spirited fathers; emotionally absent parents; parents who openly sabotaged their male sexuality; others who sought to use and abuse them; bullying taunts at school having been labeled ‘fag’, ‘sissy’; broken homes; or emotional abuse. They feel rejected, scornful, angry, cynical, and silenced.  Their love deficits, however, are understandable, and as Dallas demonstrates in his book, they are deficits which can be met in Christ and His church if the church is willing to show it.

Understanding that is helpful, but the rubber really hits the road when the issue of healing those wounds is addressed.  In the most significant chapter of the book, The Process of Change, Dallas tackles the painful issue of what change looks like for those with USSA and it can be so difficult to maintain it (p. 120, emphasis my own):

“When homosexual behaviour is removed, the needs behind it become more acute than ever.  That’s why many people have such a difficult time abstaining from it.  It’s not just the sexual temptations that draws them back, but the desire to satisfy these needs in the old, tried-and-true way.  Some would say that few people really change because homosexuality is so deeply ingrained.  I’m more inclined to think that many people give up at this point because they refuse to tolerate the frustration of feeling unsatisfied emotional needs.  Like the children of Israel wandering in the desert, they [longed] for their familiar past [in Egypt] and the satisfaction it gave them”.

Sadly, for many struggling with USSA, friendships with others of the same-sex are very painful- even if outward bravado may suggest otherwise; but at the same time, the struggler privately hankers for healthy connections with other same-sex peers (p. 122):

 “Intimacy with our peers is like water; we always need it to a degree.  But if we’ve gone without it for a long period our need for it turns into a craving that will drive us to do almost anything to get it.  We may even drink seawater or gutter water if our thirst is intense enough and we don’t think there’s any other way to satisfy it”.

Strivings like this, as this implies, are nightmarish, and it is little wonder that many with USSA feel suicidal and depressed.  The question is, what can be done about them?  Dallas goes on to point out that change is not merely about abstaining from unhealthy sexual connections (which includes, but is not limited to, sexual texting and chat, unhelpful touch, masturbation, and pornography), although such abstinence is a very good thing.  It is not even merely about replacing such outlets with healthy ones, like relationships with safe, Christ-like men; that replacement itself can become an idolised god.  In the end, behavioral control and ‘white knuckling’ are not sufficient in themselves to overcoming the orientation.  According to Dallas, healing is about getting to the core issues that inform the homosexual orientation and to work through unfinished business (p. 149):

“I have yet to work with a Struggler [with homosexuality] who doesn’t suffer from unfinished business.  That’s because the roots of homosexuality can be traced to unhealthy patterns of relating, patterns which are carried into the present.  And I’ve found, without exception, that when the Struggler fulfills his responsibility to abstain from homosexual actions and is ready to look at the nonsexual parts of his life needing correction, unfinished business with others invariably shows up”.

These unresolved wounds can range from anything between bitterness at the failures of parents and other Christians to the unresolved grief that lies at the heart of rejection by same-sex peers and others.  These problems need to be worked through, in the context of safe and supportive Christian counseling and in church fellowship. 

As Dallas reveals all this, it begs the question to anyone reading it: are the love needs of those with homosexuality any different to every body else?  Don’t all people- Christian or non-Christian, gay or straight, lay person or clergyman- want and need to feel safe, unconditionally loved, and wanted? Aren’t we all made of the same stuff, who all have the same needs, and can have all those needs met in Christ and in the fellowship that the church offers?  The answers to these questions indicate that people in the church can help those with USSA, as hard and difficult as that can be. 

This book, has correctly identified that unwanted same-sex attraction issues are a manifestation of deeper, broader, and bigger issues.  In that sense, USSA is not all that different from other addictions and sin manifestations.  The church can help people with this struggle, and God loves those who are struggling. He gives very practical advice on how healthy same-sex relationships can be fostered (pp. 157-175) and includes several chapters on affiliated topics, such as childhood trauma and female sexuality, emotional dependency and lesbianism by Dr. Carol Aherns; dating and marriage; and a special chapter devoted to parents who are experiencing the grief of having a child who is lost in the gay lifestyle.  At the end of the book, there is a special note to the church on how to help those in its care with USSA and has a chapter devoted to pro-gay theology. 

This book is an absolute must-read for anyone who has, or is at least concerned with, the issue of homosexuality and Christianity.  It is informative and transformative, and every time you read it you will learn something new that will commend itself. 

Haydn Sennitt.